We Find What We Look For

I recently had the joy of taking our two sons on a road trip to Roanoke, Virginia. I remembered Roanoke from many years ago when I would hike on nearby mountains and play golf with my step-dad in the valley below. However, I had never ventured into the city. During this short excursion, we found ourselves in the heart of a quaint, yet vibrant downtown. In only 12 hours time, we attended an evening outdoor movie, ate pizza slices the size of our heads and (after a good night’s sleep) spent an hour strolling through the Saturday morning market. I bought peaches. I’m a sucker for peaches. Especially white peaches.

While walking back to our hotel (after buying peaches), we crossed a brass-esque cross walk. I enjoyed watching our (then) six year-old “walk the tightrope” along the border lines, while little brother jumped the perpendicular lines saying something about breaking daddy’s back. I’d much prefer my bones not break.

Take a close look at the scene. There is more to this sidewalk than metal lines. There is also a circular stone perimeter surrounding the diameter markings. Add these two visuals together and you get a symbolic train turntable set into the earth only 100 feet from the railroad. From the ground, the design could be seen when studied closely, but it could also easily be missed by unaware passersby. From the glass bridge some 30 feet above, the turntable was easily identified. My train-loving boys were amazed when they realized what they had been walking on just moments earlier.

Before I noted the actual pattern created in the image, you most likely saw the cross walk. I told you it was a cross walk, and you found what you were looking for. Our perspectives on the situations and people in our lives follow the same truth, we often find what we look for.

For instance, some believe the Bible is set of rules for life. When they read it, they find all the rules. Those who believe it’s a source of inspiration are inspired. Some believe God is an all-powerful judge in cumulonimbus courtroom just waiting to strike them down with lightning for any infraction. Others believe He is the very definition of love and light. Both groups will find proof to validate their perspective. All the while, He is both judge and loving father.

I believe the quality of our relationships is controlled by our perceptions of others. Read that again. Stay with me. Whatever you choose to believe (perception) about someone controls how you relate to him/her- both good and bad. This means we are constantly defining our relational realities. Even the kindest, most giving people tend to make snap judgements about others. Following the initial judgement, we look for evidence to validate our perceptions. Even if we are grasping at tainted inaccuracies, we find proof to support our claims. Be honest. I do this, and so do you. The good news is we can chose to change the relational reality. Don’t you wish I was still talking about peaches?

How to shift your perceived realities:

1. Believe the best in others. Stop assuming the worst. Let the coworker prove you wrong instead of right. Believe your cousin didn’t really mean to publicly point out that your hairline has significantly receded since the last family reunion.
2. Look for something different. If we find what we look for, then we need to start looking for qualities in others that unify instead of divide. Find something positive to verbally comment on and encourage the others.
3. Dig deeper into the relationship. Move beyond surface conversations about the weather and work. Find our what causes others to come alive. Listen to their stories. It’s a whole lot harder to dislike someone you’ve taken the time to really know.

At the end of the day, we are all the same. We have similar desires and fears, successes and failures. It’s time to stop looking for our differences and start walking together in this journey called life.